I'm Missing You So Much...

Its been almost a month since I last saw her.. I miss her so much.. What more can I say right now? I'm turning 29 in two days time.. Its not something that I'm looking forward to now.. It will be the last time I'm gonna be celebrating my 20s birthday.. next will be the big 30.. Celebrating? It is one word that is not in my mind right now.. My colleagues and my family knew that I will be going to bali but what they don't know is that I've canceled the trip.. I just don't feel there going there in this point of time.. Bali has always been a place where I can enjoy myself, hang loose and not worrying about anything.. The problem of going there now is that I'm sure there will be emptiness accompanying me wherever I go.. I don't wanna go there and be sad... I don't know what I will do on that day but I guess I will be all by myself..

How I wish I can have her by my side... Haizzzz....
I miss her so so much... I just can't stop thinking about her.. How I wish I can hear her voice wishing me good morning everyday.. The only convenient way that we can chat nowadays is through msn.. without fail everyday, I will wait for her online hoping that she will log in.. most of the times she will but there will be times where I would fall asleep on my lappy waiting..

Its never the same when we can chat on the phone.. hearing her voice, listening to her laughter.. :) even thinking about it now makes smile..

The first thing I do when I wake up everyday is to check on her blog to see if there's any updates.. I guess its the only thing I can do to be close to her... Her blog have been my companion since the day she leave..
I'm trying to have the same anxiety of waking up in the morning to read it as the same as I was when we were still together..
Today was different.. I read how she was saying how much she wanted to hear from me and how she felt goin to the place we kissed.. I'm not able to do alot of things right now but I guess I could just give her a call to ask on how she is doin.. Maybe it was not the right thing to do when she is trying to get over me but I don't know.. I'll try to to do whatever I can for her so when she said that she wanted to hear from me, I'll try to make that happen.
Once again, that beautiful soothing voice of hers made me happy.. I miss her so so much.. hearing her voice again was a breath of fresh air.. I tried to make the conversation short and simple but the emotions in me was running wild.. I just have to keep it in checked so that I would not make her feel the pain..
I miss u so much my dear.. Each and every day, my mind can't stop thinking about u.. The look of smile always flashes my eyes.. Oh how I wish I can see them again... I know that we are trying to move on and get the hold on our lives but I just can't stop thinking about you.. I just can't stop missing you... I just can't stop loving you... I love you with all my heart and I will always do..

It's been a week since I last had a conversation or heard her voice... Oh God I miss her so much.. I know that there's nothing I can do right now but to accept the fact that she's gone.. I've read from her blog that she's trying to erase me away from her memories.. That's what she said too in the past... I guess now she will really take it that I never existed anymore.. Its sad to know that she have discarded the one and only memory that we had from the past but I feel that it was something that she needs to do..

A week have past but I still can't get her out of my mind.. I think I'm going crazy soon.. Every step I took, every words I said, everything I saw, keeps bringing back my memory of her... How can I continue living a life like this..? Many times when I was all by myself, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks... Unlike her, I don't have anyone around me to give me comfort.. to take my mind away from everything.. I'm all by myself trying to go on...

All I'm wishing is for the best for her.. Hopefully that she gets back her happiness that have been lost.. For me, I can only observe everything from afar... Wandering around on my own have been my lifestyle in the past but now to even to that, I can't find my strength.. I don't have anymore strength to do anything right now.. I miss her badly... she had been my strength recently but when after she's gone, I'm feeling hopeless once again...

I don't know whether I can hear that sweet voice of her ever again and meeting her can only happen in my dreams now.. How I wish that I don't wake up from my sleep so that I can continue dreaming...

Another battle lost, another relationship failure.. Thats it for me.. I don't want to go through all these anymore.. I've had enough of these.. I just wanna be by myself from now on... Please God, take all my feelings and emotions away.. I don't wanna fall in love again... Let me live in total darkness and silence.. If I can't be with the person that I truly love, I don't wanna be with anyone at all....

My life have been empty... Emptied for quite a while.. It was all dark and hazy all around.. My days was filled with uncertainties.. Not knowing on where I will be heading next or what would I be doing.. My mind was blanked.. No plans.. No thoughts...No inspirations.. No motivations... No ambitions.... No emotions.. I was like a dead man walking everyday with only 2 stops along the way and that is to work and to go back home....

My life changed when you came back to me.. All of a sudden I saw a meaning to life.. The days seems to be brighter.. The nights seems to be more peaceful than ever... Its been a long time since I feel the need to have a good sleep at night... The anticipation of waking up to a new day filled with more excitement and passion drives me to enjoy the light of morning.. For once, I saw a bright light to my future... Finally, I thought my life now means something.. Finally, I thought God have given me the path to my happiness...

I guess this is it... I guess I was being a fool.. I guess I was just very stubborn.. I realized now that you meant every word you said in your email... I should have just believed those words... I'm sorry to have not leave you alone after that.. I must have caused so much difficulties after that email of yours..

Sayangku,
Di sini ku ingin mengucap terima kasih keatas kasih sayang telah diberikan kepada ku selama ini... Tiada orang lain yang boleh mengganti tempat mu di hati ku ini... Telah ku cuba sedaya upaya untuk memberi mu kebahagian yang belum pernah sempat ku berikan pada waktu dahulu.. Maafkan aku jika ia masih tidak kesampaian.. Ku sedar siapa diri ku ini.. Ku juga sedar di mana tempat terletaknya diri ku ini... Dengan kata-kata ku ini, bersama doa dan restu untuk kebahagian mu, aku akan merelakan diri mu pergi... Pergi selamanya untuk berada di sisi keluarga yang tercinta.. Akan ku selalu mendoakan agar diri mu bahagia... Memori yang pernah kita lalui akan ku selalu semadi di dalam hati... Tangisan dan senyum tawa mu akan sentiasa berada di dalam ingatan ku.. Akan ku teruskan perjuangan hidup ku ditemani kekosongan dan kesepian yang telah menjadi lumrah kehidupan ku selama ini...

Akhir sekali, ku ingin mengucapkan terima kasih atas peluang yang telah diberikan kepada ku untuk merasa kebahagian bersama orang yang sangat ku cintai walaupun cuma untuk seketika...
Semoga diri mu akan menjadi lebih aman dan bermakna... Ku tinggalkan memori bersama mu..



When I first heard this song, I had a feeling that it will mean alot to me one day... Now I know how meaningful it is to me...

Its been 3 days since I've heard her voice... I miss her so much.. I hope that she knows how much I miss her at this point of time.. Things are abit different nowadays.. I can feel that she's changing right now.. No more can I feel the passion in her voice whenever we chat and hearing her expressing her feelings to me is abit of a rarity these days...

No doubt my feelings for her never changed but I feel that if she's really changing for the better then I guess its a good thing... For once since we got back together, I'm feeling the love that she had for him.. The way she express her emotions about the times they had together all these years.... I'm feeling that she is trying giving in to him.. Bit by bit, I feel that she's beginning to forgive him to what he did to her.. The way I read about how she's missing in being a good wife to him as she used to be hurts me abit.. thats the truth as I don't wanna hide my true feelings... Its nice to know how she missed the things they did together as husband and wife but on the other hand it hurts cause I know that slowly she's trying to push me away from her life...

I guess I'm wrong to think that I was the right one for her... I thought I was the best for her... I guess I'm not that great after all...

Look at me now... goin 29, having a career that I can't be proud of, single, not many friends and many more... What else can expect to come my way? An angel like her?

I just want someone that I can love and love me the way I am... Someone that I thought was her... but I guess I'm dreaming to have a life which I can't have.. Wanting a family which is not mine..

I think I'm kinda fighting a losing battle once again... On the 26th on this month, they will be going for their counselling... I guess thats the point where I have to accept whatever that she decides... 2 days before my coming birthday and I have to accept whatever the decision that lies for me... Maybe I will just go away somewhere on my birthday on my own to spend time with myself and reminice what have I gone through...

I may still smile, I may still laugh, I may still joke when I have people around me but the pain that I'm feeling now is so unbearable that its eating everything inside me... I'm not sure how it gonna look like if I were to cut open myself and see what the pain have caused to my inner soul....

Well, whatever it is, I hope that one day when I leave this world, people will remember me for the things that I did and how I always wanna make everyone happy...

Whether I can be happy now is definitely out of the question... For like I said, she's the love of my life.. and I feel that I'm losing her soon.... :( :(

My dear, I'll be lying if I said that I'm not feeling anything right now.. Yes for sure I felt changes in you.. Why? That's what I wanna know.. There's surely a reason behind this.. I've been reading the things you said here and I know that there will be changes.. Its the truth like I said.. I would rather know the truth than not knowing what is happening.. I understand its not and easy time for you now and thats the reason I dun wanna ask u about it.. But whenever you are ready to tell me anything, pls do tell me.. I just wanna know wat is your next step that you wanna do and how you wanna do it.. I know that you still have feelings for me and I will never questioned that.. What I wanna know is whether you still want me to be around or you want me to be gone......

Its been almost 2 weeks since I've updated this blog.. What can I say... Its been a roller coaster ride like how I always said..

Right now, I'm glad that she's been getting better with her health with the pain that comes and goes once in a while.. I'm sure with the proper care and rest, she will just be alright...

I received an email from her last week... In it, all I can say is that it is something that I don't wanna hear.. She said that she'll be leaving me, to stay with the guy and work on the marriage... No wonder she didn't reply to my msgs that day...

In the first place, I guessed that I gotta accept the fact that she wanted to continue with her life without me by her side.. No words can described the pain I felt reading the email.. Out of a sudden, I burst into tears..literally.

Yes, I've cried before in the past but bursting the way I did this time felt so strange... I just can't seem to control it... The pain I felt in me was unbearable and the only thing that helped me at that moment was the tears that came out.. Luckily there was no one at home at that time or they might be shocked to see me that way... I kept saying why something so beautiful like the love that we had have to end this way... why the love have to come and go in such a short period of time...

After gathering my composure back, I felt that if its for the best I guess I just have to accept it and let her go... I will let her go knowing that its for her best interest and she will feel better...

3 days passed with me clinging on to any last strength in me to live trying to accept the fact that she's gone from my life once again... Even though I didn't get to talk to her, there's nothing else that was on my mind but the thought of her.. reminiscing the short times we've spent together.. the coffee and brownie first appearance after 10 yrs, the playground outing with the kids followed by Mcdonalds, Burger King's burger during fasting month with the long stroll back to Tampines where we held hands again, dinner under the humid weather at Downtown East again that ends with a perfect beautiful kiss and to the last meeting of pasta lunch with a surprised bouquet of flowers to top everything up...

I accepted the fact to the decision that she made but I just can't accept the fact that those 5 meetings were the only memories that we gonna have this time round...

I read up the blog that she just made and it came clear to me.. the decision was not made in order for her to be happy.. like how I put it, its not for the better... With that, I saying to myself that it will not be over till its really over... I'm not going to let someone I love so so much to leave me just like that... not this time round...

I know that I'm not helping her with this but I wanna be difficult this time... I feel like I deserve to get something out of all this.. the pain and the hurt is all part and parcel of life and I know that happiness will come with it as well..

If she is reading this, I just wanna say that I won't leave you and I won't let you go that easily now.. I love you so much and I know that you feel the same way too.. Please give this love of ours a chance to live a life.. the life that you and I are dreaming for... Let's make it a reality rather than just being a fantasy.. You always asked me how much I love you... whether the love that I have for you is the same or comparable to anyone else.. The only way for you to know it is by giving me the chance to prove this love to you... I've heard alot of people saying how good a guy I am...How a great father and husband I will be to the point that I'm getting really sick and tired of hearing it... Whats the use in hearing all these if I can't prove to the person I love how true it can be...

It will be a battle from now on.. Not for her but for me.. A battle to keep this hopes and dreams alive but I promise that I will never hurt her in any way possible.. Hurting her will be like me stabbing a sharp knife through my own chest... There's no way that I will wanna hurt her.. like I said before... she's the love of my life....